The 12 Palms rehab blog publishes weekly addiction related articles directed to help and guide families and addicts on the addiction treatment and recovery.
“Whose fault is it that I’m an addict?” Depends who’s doing the asking… Many people with the disease of addiction or alcoholism believe they are born that way. Please note, this blogger does not intend to go into any kind of deep psychological essay about the nature of addiction or physiological aspects of the disease. I am here to share to my experience and strength and hope; that an addict, any addict can stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live. That’s it. I, personally, do believe that I was born with this disease.
When I first came to the program of Narcotics Anonymous in the spring of 1995, I had no idea I was an addict or that I even had a disease. I learned in Step One that I’m powerless and that my life is unmanageable. Come to find out, I have a disease, not a moral deficiency. The disease model, in the NA definition, works for me (and countless others) in that we can see ourselves more humanly. We were slaves to the drugs. Rather than me being a bad person, I was a sick person that made bad choices. I have a disease that tells me that I don’t have disease. It is also the only disease which I can self-diagnose. The First Step frees me: Every day, I admit I’m powerless over my disease.
It wasn’t difficult for me to see the wreckage of my life, defined as unmanageability. As long as I was getting high, the disease was making my decisions for me. From a very early age I believe that we are either encourage to practice spiritual principles and are taught right from wrong; or we are nurtured in such a way so as not to develop boundaries, inhibitions, love for ourselves or compassion for others. These deficiencies, in combination with a propensity for excessive behaviors can lead to addiction. I know for myself, I was raised with benign neglect, which lead me to acting out at a very early age and later seeking comfort in chemicals.
I can’t speak for anyone else, I hear stories, I have friends, I know people with this disease and each one is different. I only know what is true for me. I’m an addict, I was born this way and I came to Narcotics Anonymous thinking I could learn how to use successfully. Come to find out, NA is not a hobby, it is a way of life. I honestly had no idea. I truly believed everyone else was the problem: my family, my boss, my roommates, my boyfriends. But after sticking around for a little while, come to find out I not only have a disease, but I have a disease that wants me dead! As it says in the NA Basic Text, “…It would be insane to walk up to someone and say, “May I please have a heart attack or a fatal accident?” Although this is in reference to the Second Step, my point is this: I was doing this on a daily basis, every time I took a hit or drove drunk. Yes, that is insane behavior.
Is it my parent’s fault I wanted to die a slow death, one sip or snort at a time? No, they did the best they could with what they had. The Steps have taught me that I am responsible for my recovery, not for having a disease. That is not to say that I’m not responsible for my disease. I am. It is up to me to stay clean and repair the wreckage of my past. But today, as a recovering addict, I don’t have to create more wreckage to clean up.
What about my sisters? They had the same parents didn’t they? How come they weren’t waking up every other day hungoverr? How come they didn’t keep getting fired from low-paying jobs? How come they finished college in 4 years? Why did it take me 8 years to complete my 4 year degree? I have come to learn these questions are not for me to answer and to do so would be an exercise in futility. After 17 years in recovery, it’s no one’s “fault.” I am the only one to blame if I don’t continue on this path of freedom.
I am not a parent, nor am I here to give advice. But if a parent is reading this, please know, it is not your fault your child is addicted to drugs. There is help for you in fellowships like Nar-Anon and Ala-Non, which assists family members of addicts and alcoholics. Blaming yourself doesn’t help your or your child. In hindsight, I’m grateful to be an addict today. For it is through NA that I was able to find a Higher Power, and learn to appreciate the blessings, among them the freedom to practice spiritual principles in my life today. Thank you for letting me share.
“If someone wants to get sober, this is a wonderful place to do it...12 Palms saved my life.”
— Fred
“When an addict is finally willing to admit that they are completely powerless over their addiction and need help recovering, they are left with a choice.”
